How To Get Married In A Zambian Village

As many of you know, I village “married” Ed back in August of this year. This was a Peace Corps requirement for co-habitation in the village setting, as our organization does not want to offend the conservative members of the community by having volunteers shacking up whenever the spirit moves them to do so. We obliged so that we could stay together until Ed’s Peace Corps contract was up, and also because we knew that this experience would be quite the story to tell in years to come. I have decided to record the village marriage experience in a how-to fashion below. Hope you enjoy!

Step 1: Buy and slaughter loads of village meat and keep it in your living room overnight the day before the wedding.

 

We bought a large pig and goat, as the bride and groom are expected to feed the wedding attendees. The animals were slaughtered in Ed’s living room, gross bits flying everywhere : /

Step 2: Have your bride delivered under the cover of darkness the night before the wedding.

I was delivered by two women in my village, my chosen “matrons.” Once night fell on the eve of our wedding, we took a taxi down to the edge of Ed’s village and were dropped off at the road. We then formed a line, the first women carried a pot of chicken (the food reserved for the bride and groom to eat on the next day), and the second woman and I were covered with a piece of traditional cloth know as a chitenge. The first woman made a really loud high-pitched call (very African sounding) and Ed’s village women answered back signifying that they knew that the bride had arrived. Ed’s ladies then came to join us, throwing money at our feet. When the lead matron judged that enough had been thrown down, we took a few steps and then waited for them to throw more. Needless to say, this was a very long journey and being covered by the cloth, I really couldn’t see what was going on. As we neared Ed’s house, more than 100 people had joined us, children especially, and they were all singing loudly. I was delivered into Ed’s house and instructed not to talk, laugh or smile, as this is deemed the most respectful behavior during marriage proceedings.

Step 3: Sex-Ed with 3 middle-aged Zambian women.

After my safe delivery to Ed’s house, we were given a very detailed lesson on what goes on in a Zambian bedroom. This included the wife’s duties to her husband, how to conceive children of each gender (just change your position they said!), and a smattering of tutorials on other traditional practices such as shaving and bathing each other. The 4 hour lesson was probably one of the most hilarious and eye-opening experiences of my Peace Corps Service. I think Ed enjoyed it…

Step 4: Have your wedding night the night before your wedding.

I think you can understand why there aren’t any pictures to accompany this step.

In the traditional village wedding ceremony, the bride is delivered to the house the night before the wedding so that she and the future husband may “practice” with each other. On this night, the young bride and groom are told to “do it” as many times as possible. It was explained to me that this was the girl’s last chance at getting out of the marriage if the main was unable to perform. The following morning, the matrons return to the house and question the girl on the previous night’s happenings to make sure that everything was working properly. I told my matrons that this part of the traditional ceremony was unnecessary, however they still begged to know…I just told them that Ed was “very strong” and they looked happy and stopped asking questions : )

Step 5: First couple's bath.

In Zambia, it is traditional for husband and wife to bathe with each other. My host parents, for example, bathed together almost every day. Ed and I joked about this before the wedding, but didn’t necessarily expect to partake in the tradition seeing that bathing is done outdoors behind a grass shelter with little privacy. However, this decision was not really left up to us…The morning of the wedding my matron came over to see how our night was. When she realized Ed wasn’t around, she asked where he was. I told her he was bathing. Opps. “Well, why aren’t you in there? You are husband and wife now, you should bathe together!” I gathered my shampoo and headed out the door…

Step 6: Mingle with guests and take lots of pictures.

This is totally not the traditional way, as I should have been concealed in the house and speaking to no one, but I just couldn’t help myself.

Step 7: Cover bride and groom with chitenge and take them to the marriage grounds.

We were preceded by my "line-up," my village sisters and a few other girls from my village who danced in a semi-choreographed routine they had practiced the previous day.

Step 8: Place bride and groom on reed mat.

We were instructed to sit with legs out, hands laid on top of legs and no smiling. This was pretty difficult for me.
 
Step 9: Insert crazy preacher who yells a lot and makes bride and groom do awkward hug thing.

 We pretty much had no idea what was going on the entire time and just tried to oblige this man.

Step 10: Watch some dancing.

Lots of folks performed for us. This is Ed's line-up. Peace Corps volunteers were even given time to perform and they chose the electric slide as a tribute to my ability to do this dance to any song playing at the Peace Corps house : ) (shout out to cousin Jana for teaching me way back in middle school, it has become my party trick!)

Step 11: Eat some cake.

Our Peace Corps friend, Val, made a lovely chocolate-iced layer cake. We cut it only after the knife had been delivered to us by our dancing knife girl, a Zambian tradition that is way cooler than the American flower girl. Maybe a tradition we should try to popularize in the States???

Step 12: Feed guests some cake.

There wasn't quite enough for everyone, so we were told to feed the old men and the white people : /

Step 13: Do some dancing.

We had prepared a thumb drive full of both American and Zambian music, but our DJs didn't quite seem to know how to handle this tiny piece of technology. There was quite a bit of skipping through the play list resulting in us hearing the first 5 seconds of about 50 different songs before they landed on one they liked (this happened every time music was required during the ceremony!). Luckily for the couple's first dance, they landed on Build Me Up Buttercup - at least something somewhat reasonably paced and not containing a beat requiring African hip shaking. Ed and I had no idea we were going to be made to dance, so we were a bit silly looking. Fortunately for us, I harked back to my middle school cotillion experience and tried to keep us under control. I of course had to play the male role and lead "Mr. Rhythm" so that my feet wouldn't get stepped on. The whole time Ed was whispering "hey, lets just dance over here to the side so that we can get off the dance floor as quickly as possibly when the song is over."

Step 14: Speeches.

 
Some meaningful and also hilarious words were said by both Peace Corps volunteers and our village families. The above volunteers prepared a lovely haiku.

Step 15: More crazy preacher action.

If there was a force to be felt, I wasn't feeling it here. I had no idea they had their hands up like that until I saw this picture.

There was quite a bit of yelling at close range from the preacher and head nodding on our part in hopes that he would take it as a sign we got what he was saying and he could move on.


Step 16: Exhaustion and confusion.

This picture is out of chronological order, as the state you see us in here could be applied anywhere throughout the day.

Step 17: Gift presentation.

 
Traditionally, guests dance up and present the couple and the matrons with money and gifts. We said that we would prefer no gifts, but our village friends would have none of that. By the end of the day, we ended up with a nice collection of plastic bowls and cups, several baskets, a new cooking stick, and Zambian Kwacha amounting to about 7 US Dollars.

Step 18: Marital bliss and enjoying village life together.
 

This is us at a recent independence day celebration in my new village.

Step 19: Baby!

 
Just kidding! He’s my neighbor’s newborn that I was asked to name last month. Meet baby Hanny, named after my sister and born on her birthday! I think we do look a bit alike though ; )